Facing Disappointment

So, for the past two weeks, I have been preparing an audition for a theatre here that is doing Rent. I may or may not have mentioned before, but I was very big on theatre in high school. I was in almost every single production since my Freshman year and yes, I quite enjoyed it. Acting is a form of storytelling and remember how I want to be an author? Acting was a perfect way for me to release those storytelling urges.

The audition was this morning, and as you can tell from this post's title, it did not go over so well. But, I will come back to that later.

So then, for the past few weeks, I have been rehearsing my audition song and learning the music to Rent. I have never really paid attention to the show before, but it has amazing music. It is incredibly original and at the perfect point where it is both difficult and fun to sing. It is a challenge, but any good show has music that pushes the performers. My last show was Aida, and since its music shares similarities with Rent, I chose I Know The Truth from the show's second act. As I was rehearsing, the song definitely became better, and even my music teacher who was assisting me said I would do great. I was not going to embarrass myself during the audition; I was on level with the others who would be there.

No, I am not bragging. I am mearly showing that I went into this audition with confidence.

So, about that...

From the second I walked up to the theatre and saw who was also auditioning, I wanted to turn around and leave. Rent is a very sensual show, especially the character Mimi. And well...every girl was dressed like Mimi. Leather and tights, that is all I will say. And that is not a bad thing! Do not misunderstand and think I am shaming them for their clothing, not at all! I am pointing out that these are kids who have sold their soul to this character. And yeah, allow me to make a few points about myself and theatre kids.

Theatre kids are loud. Theatre kids have many emotions - all worn on their sleeve - and theatre kids will sell their soul to\for their roles.

Now, I am a very introverted person. Yes, I was constantly involved in theatre in school, but I am learning more and more everyday that I come from a very quiet place. The theatre kids at my school doubled as music kids, and music children are much more serious (as in stoic) and do not carry around their emotions to hand out like greeting cards. I am not loud. I am not high-strung and I will never spill the depths of my being as these theatre children do to one another. That is just not the kind of person I am.

So I auditioned. I did not make it. I am ok with this.

Actually, looking back, I am very happy I did not make the show.

The reason I auditioned was because I miss how theatre was in school. I miss creating my characters and breathing life into the script. I miss singing and playing music and everything that I did before. Being heavily involved in music, chorus, and theatre, and then coming to school and hardly touching any of them is a difficult transition. So, this was me taking a shot at bringing a bit of my past back. It did not work. And I am glad. If I had made this show, I would be committed to a cast of huge, screaming, competitive personalities.

Murder would have been committed.

I just cannot deal with people who blatantly spill their emotions. Doing it on stage is one thing, carrying it out of the show and into the normal world is another.

After the audition, I was very disappointed in myself. No, I did not do terribly, but I have done much better. And I did not make the cut. So, on the bus ride home, I kept telling myself that it did not matter, who cares, theatre is not even my major, blah blah blah. But you know, I may have said those things emptily to pick my esteem off the nasty bus floor, but there is some truth there. And quite honestly, this applies to disappointment in anything.

First off, I should not be laying my worth in the hands of a few people. The producers and directors of this show are lovely people, however, they do not determine the quality of my voice or my acting abilities. Just because a person does not make a show does not mean that they cannot sing or are untalented. Maybe their schedule conflicted. Maybe they are just unknown to the director; they may want somebody who they have worked with before. The point is, and especially in this business, there are a thousand and one different reasons to why you may not be casted. And that is just how it works. You can be just as good as everyone else and still not get the part. Even still, this does not determine your talent or your worth as an actor. This handful of people does not determine your worth as a person. I am someone who takes rejection very hard, so this is something I learned with great difficulty. But it is something that is so true it hurts. Yay! First rejection pain and now reality pain!

My second point is that this is not my major, which means, I do not have to do this or be good at this. Yes, I love performing, but I should not take this cut as a world shattering moment. I am a language major and that is what I should be focusing on, my grades and my understanding. After all, in four years, it will not be theatre that is supporting me, but my understanding of Japanese (and hopefully English because, hopefully, I will have a book out by then. Hopefully.) I have so many things going right and so many opportunities. I would be a spoiled child if I allowed this rejection to darken my mood and ruin my beautiful three day weekend.

Some people will read this and say that I am only saying these things to make myself feel better about not being casted. Whatever then. I mean, I kind of am doing that. What should I do instead? Cry about how unfair the audition was? Come up with some crazy prejudice the directors must have had against gingers? Those seem like bad ideas. I am not a fan of bad ideas.

Now that I do not have to worry about this show, I can instead worry about the two tests I have next week, the two books I am trying to finish, and I am going to take up kendo! Super excited about that! But really, this rejection hurt. I mean, I would not have audition and put in so much work if I thought I was not going to make it. But, life goes on. Life has better things for me and I am going to choose to move on without regrets.